Twisted Tales of Toy TortureLittle Drummer Boy

A letter from the Vice President of CRUD
Lynnford E. Disbrow, Jr.

As a weekly reader of the "Crud Gazette" and Vice President of CRUD (the Coalition for the scientific Research and Understanding of little stuffed Degenerates), I can vouch for Mike's (some may call Mike "Twisted"; I, however, would call him "Revolutionary") approach to stuffed animal testing. Working in a professional office environment, we are overwhelmed with stuffed degenerates--they are everywhere, on PC monitors, desktops, bookshelves, and key chains. So, establishing CRUD was like a natural response to counter an out-of-control "breeding" problem sweeping this country like an epidemic of truly plague proportions. Without valid Scientific Research of these fluffy figures, how can we understand this phenomenon? We are currently in the process of chopping off legs and arms; testing various theories based on the stapler, scissors, and scotch tape manipulation; and then there is the radiation testing. We at CRUD are very excited over the latest studies on radiation testing. Luckily, both myself and Mike work at a Nuclear Power Plant (we won't say which one), and since there is no data on long-term exposure to radiation on stuffed animals, we have set off as Pioneers for this new genre. So, in conclusion, I'm offended that some may call Mike "Twisted." Mike is a Revolutionary Pioneer who will persevere over those lily-stuffed animal-loving old-timers.


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